


reconciliation

by justsomerain



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Ahsoka - E. K. Johnston
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Angst, Jedi Hangups, Post-Ahsoka, Reconciliation, harold..., mentions of canon-typical torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-20
Updated: 2016-11-20
Packaged: 2018-09-01 02:15:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8603236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justsomerain/pseuds/justsomerain
Summary: Semi-fluffy Kaeden/Ahsoka piece for femslashsw Challenge #1, Ahsoka heads to Alderaan to face what she ran from.
Ahsoka decides after five weeks spent in space, trying very hard to avoid any look at what had happened, at what had not happened, that she is better than this. She isn’t a person who avoids her troubles like this, and she never had been, so she sure was not going to start being that person now. Not even if the things she wanted to do were difficult because no matter what Kaeden might have guessed at, the hang ups were not because she had been a Jedi once, but rather because even if she had not felt so before (and she had), there was no denying the danger that anybody who would be in such a position of importance to her was.





	

Ahsoka decides after five weeks spent in space, trying very hard to avoid any look at what had happened, at what had not happened, that she is better than this. She isn’t a person who avoids her troubles like this, and she never had been, so she sure was not going to start being that person now. Not even if the things she wanted to do were difficult because no matter what Kaeden might have guessed at, the hang ups were not because she had been a Jedi once, but rather because even if she had not felt so before (and she had), there was no denying the danger that anybody who would be in such a position of importance to her was.

She had seen it first hand with Kaeden.

The Empire, if they found out that she had a person whom she cared for in such a way, would use that knowledge to draw her back if she ever ran. They would use a person as bait, and she did not wish any kind of torture on people, not like that. They had already done that on pure speculation, and she did not want it to happen another time.

So yes, she had her hang ups, but they were different than Kaeden had thought they were.

This is what she rehearses to herself from the moment she finds herself heading to Alderaan.

It had not been an entirely conscious decision to steer towards Alderaan, and at first when she realises that that is her course she panics a little. There were so many things she could have said better, done better, and now she will have to face all of them, but she has been taught, all her life, to be brave, not to run, to confront her problems.

And though this may not necessarily be a problem in the way the Jedi Order had taught her problems, she would still confront it.

There is a moment just before she enters Alderaan’s orbit, as she looks at the blue and green planet, the way the clouds swirl across the surface of what seems a gigantic marble where she wonders if this is really the best thing to do, shouldn’t she just leave it, keep Kaeden safe, and forget about it all. Bail Organa’s Rebellion had her safe, saw to it that the Empire would be unable to touch her and Miara on Alderaan, no guarantees what happened when they left, without a doubt under orders of the Rebellion.

But she has to put herself past it, reminded of the things she is taught about calm, even if the situations she had been taught about were so completely, intrinsically different, and she laughs, a nervous sound, at the thought of what Obi-Wan might have thought of what she does now, of what Anakin might have thought of this whole situation, and she can feel her throat and chest constrict with sadness, a hint of panic.

It takes five deep slow breaths before she is calmed down enough to go on, telling herself that what had happened to the others, to all of them, it was not her fault. She had not been able to save any of them, perhaps, but she was one person, one teenager who was not even a Jedi anymore at that point in time. The Order had been unable to save anyone, and she was not to blame for that, even if she did blame herself for it. If all of the Jedi Council had not been able to see this outcome, see the fall of everything it had held dear, with all its wise members, then how was she supposed to have seen it, prevented it.

She may not be able to keep Kaeden safe, but she would try her hardest, and she would give her the choice. She did not carry sole responsibility for people’s choices, even if she would do whatever she could to keep people safe in their choice. She would tell Kaeden as much, and if she still wanted to… Wanted… Well. Then she knew.  
                                                                                                    

* * *

Even Alderaan’s space port is a place of art.

It may have been a background focus during her training, some of it coming up during her early years, her years as a Youngling, and none of it during her time as a Padawan, but she can appreciate the art, almost a thing in her blood, as Togrutas, as far as she knew, were a people who put great value in it.

There are many great spires, all light stonework, and she can hear music coming from somewhere, even if she can not pinpoint exactly from whence it comes. 

The Raadian refugees, survivors, rebels had been offered a place on Alderaan, be it as farmers the way they had been on Raada, or in the service of the Rebellion, or in any other way that Bail Organa had been able to, and Ahsoka would be lying if she said that she had not followed Kaeden through the Rebellion’s documentation, comming too stressful, her head not straightened out yet. It may feel a little insincere, as she could have just commed, it would have been so easy, but if she had done that there had never been the element of surprise to her visit.

The addresses of the Raadian rebels were classified, certainly, but she was Fulcrum, she handled intelligence, and so it had been easy to get access to this information, and she followed the instructions which she had memorised meticulously to the letter, walking the streets of Aldera, admiring the city as she went.

She had been on many planets during her life, but most of them had been ravaged by war, planets still whole, like this one, untouched by the horrors of the Clone Wars more exception than rule, so there was something almost jarring about being able to walk these streets without having to be careful for rubble. She figured that she should have gotten used to it by now, but perhaps she had just seen so much war that was just how her brain functioned best. Expect the worst, be pleasantly surprised when things are not the worst.

The streets were wide, the people dressed in comfortable clothing of loose flowing materials, and as far as she could tell there was very little distinction between the rich districts and the poorer ones, a University for music and arts shoulder to shoulder with more modest dwellings, light from its stained transparisteel windows falling on people as they went about their daily business of shopping for their food, plying their trade.

The Raadians, as far as she was aware, had been housed not too far from this University, and there was something soothing about the shreds of songs and music she could hear coming from it, even if she felt more nervous the closer she got to her destination. At one point she almost turned round, shaking her head to herself, certain that people were watching her, despite her wearing a cloak that concealed her montrals, despite the fact that she knew, logically, that nobody was watching her with anything more than a pleasant curiosity.

Finally she arrived at a door no different than the ones surrounding it, set in the same gleaming white stone the entire city seemed to be made of, and for the shortest, most fleeting moment she wondered what it must have been where the Alderaanians had gotten their seemingly endless supply of the stone, because a city the size of this one must have cost tons of stone.

Once, twice she knocked, worrying her lower lip with sharp teeth as she waited for a response, debating whether or not she should lower her hood. It took long, or perhaps it just felt that way, for Kaeden to respond, and she was half way through devising a plan, any plan, to fix whatever had happened to her when she opened the door, hair that was usually braided almost floating like a cloud around her face, brown eyes large with something of shock.

At that moment she lost all the words that she had rehearsed for the past weeks, not certain what to say, so in lieu of words she lowered her hood, smiling nervously at Kaeden, who was still looking at her, the skin between her eyebrows creased by a frown.

“I’m sorry, I should have— I guess I should have commed ahead.”

Still Kaeden stared at her, expression unreadable, and Ahsoka had to restrain herself from reaching out through the Force, leaving Kaeden to speak for herself rather than almost intruding on her privacy. She was barefoot, obviously caught unawares, wearing short trousers, and if Ahsoka had to be entirely honest she would venture a guess that she had just woken up, a comfortable shirt made from the same soft flowing material she had seen Alderaanians wear hanging off her shoulders.

For a long moment both of them were silent, speaking not a word, until finally Kaeden seemed to snap out of reveries, returning her attention to the here and now, as she quickly shook her head, looking down, then up, at Ahsoka.

“No, it’s fine. I’m just— I’m sorry, I just didn’t expect you.”

She wasn’t sure if she imagined the note of disappointment in Kaeden’s voice, and she felt instantly ashamed. She had let nothing be known in five weeks, dropped off the radar , leaving Kaeden hanging as much as much as she had been worrying about her, and she could feel something almost akin to panic rising in herself. She had left it too long, she should have contacted, commed, anything at all in these past weeks. She had worried, sure enough, but she imagined for a moment what if must have seemed like from the other side of the equation.

Neither of them spoke, each staring at the other, Ahsoka guiltily shifting her eyes from one side to the other, before Kaeden broke the silence.

“I’m sorry, it’s— I’m being rude.” She smiled, an edge to it that Ahsoka couldn’t entirely place, maybe something like guilt to it, “Come in. I’m sorry I just, I didn’t expect anyone.”

She took one step to the side, pushing her hip off against the door frame, and Ahsoka ducked her head, walking past her, into Kaeden’s home, nothing like the one on Raada had been, yet somehow with the same vibe, as if no matter where it was it was clear that this was Kaeden’s home, even if it was larger than any of the huts on Raada, even if this house had not been raised by her parents.

As they had fled Raada, even before that, as they had fled from Kaeden’s home town to the base in the hills, some had taken trinkets, things of more emotional value than actual monetary value, but she had figured that none of it had made it off planet, not with how Miara had told her it had gone, all their friends who had fled with them, all the fledgeling rebels killed by the thing the Empire had sent to Raada to find Ahsoka, and she felt a pang of guilt for it.

The entire space somehow smelled like Kaeden, an earthy scent, one she had grown shockingly familiar with during her months on Raada, even if she hadn’t wanted to admit so to herself, still trying hard to deny herself, to keep people safe, and the place looked lived in, cups standing around, a shirt hanging over the back of a chair here, hair ties on the table there.

It was Kaeden who snapped her out of her assessment of the room.

“I should have cleaned. If I had known I would have cleaned.” 

There the reproach was clear, and Ahsoka ducked her head in shame, knew the meaning behind the words, and she turned to face Kaeden, who was now leaning against a table that stood against the wall, a chair on either side of it, only one side of it used.

“I know. I should have commed.”

Ahsoka was silent for a moment, all the words she had rehearsed, all the apologies she had practised dead in her throat, thinking of something better to say. Finally she shrugged, lifting one corner of her mouth, not even a smile, but an admission of guilt as much as her earlier words had been.

“I should have commed. I just, well, I guess I just ran. I’m sorry.”

And she meant it, she was sorry for it, and the guilt for not coming or letting Kaeden know anything after the evacuation of Raada had eaten away at her during regular intervals as she travelled through the galaxy, when everything was quiet and she didn’t have anything to distract her from feeling guilty.

Kaeden let out a long breath Ahsoka wasn’t aware she had been holding, a sigh, arms crossed over her chest, as she looked at her, her only other response the corner of her mouth lifting in the same not quite smile that Ahsoka had given her earlier. Her reply, however, was a long time coming, and Ahsoka felt jittery waiting, Kaeden looking away, arms crossed in front of her chest, her tone equally rueful, regretful, and reproaching.

“You should have. But it’s okay. I get it, you’ve got—“ She gestured with a hand towards Ahsoka, who raised eyebrows in question, not understanding. “Nevermind, it’s fine. I get it.”

The last was spoken defeated, deflated, and Ahsoka ducked her head. This was not what she had intended, she had hoped that coming here would solve things instead, but it seemed rather like her coming to Alderaan made things worse than better. She had had words for that at some point in the not too distant past, rehearsed to the point of dreaming about them, but they were all lost now, and Ahsoka took a step forward, before halting, unsure what to do, instead just letting her arms drop at her sides.

“I really am sorry. I mean it.”

She tried to catch Kaeden’s eyes, but she was looking away, and finally Ahsoka let herself sit down on the plush chair in the little living room area in the home, elbows on her knees, eyes on Kaeden, who seemed to shake herself, and then put on a smile.

“It’s fine. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done the thing.” ‘The Thing’ was left unspoken What The Thing was was left unspoken, surely both of them still familiar with it, and she instead continued, “Are you staying long? Or is it just a lightning visit? I guess I should offer you something to drink, right? I don’t think anything we were supplied with is anything nearing alcoholic, and the cantinas nearby don’t open for a while, but I’m sure we’ve got some sort of juice.”

She moved through the room, past the chair Ahsoka was sat in, still explaining about the juice, and when she passed Ahsoka moved her hand forward, catching Kaeden’s free left hand, more reflex than planned action. 

The reaction was instantaneous. She hadn’t meant to do this, and with Kaeden looking at her she wasn’t entirely sure why she had, yet also acutely aware why she had, Kaeden’s brown eyes hooded, guarded, eyebrows drawn together. She had stopped in her tracks, hand slack in Ahsoka’s, no movement, a little like a rabbit caught in the headlights.

Ahsoka held on, not speaking, looking at Kaeden as she tried to sort through the right words in her head, trying to figure the best way to put the words she wanted to say.

“I am sorry,” she emphasised, “I really should have commed, I just didn’t think that. Well. You thought I had Jedi Hangups.”

Her mouth twisted around the last words like they were something bitter she had to swallow, a quick frown, before she continued, “You’re not wrong.”

She was silent for a moment, Kaeden sinking to sit on the edge of the table, putting them on eye height of one another, faces inches apart, hand still in hers, as she tried other, more words, to explain. As Kaeden opened her mouth to speak, Ahsoka put up her free hand, the one not holding Kaeden’s hand, one finger raised as if to ask her for another moment.

“I’m not a Jedi, so they’re not Jedi hang ups.” That raised a smile from Kaeden’s lips, and Ahsoka smiled ever so slightly in response to it, a brief lifting of the corners of her mouth, a sparkle in her eyes.

“But, well, you’ve seen what the Empire does.” She gestured with her free hand into nothingness, avoiding Kaeden’s eyes, guilt in her still telling her it had been her fault, that any harm that came to anyone was her fault, because if she had just stayed on Raada they never would have taken Kaeden, they would not have killed the few friends she had made during her time there.

“They don’t care that I’m not a Jedi. They just want me captured, or dead, or something…” Her voice trailed off, lost in thought for a moment as she swallowed around the thought of the friends she had lost the year before, those whose presence had always been there somewhere in the back of her mind, a comforting warm blanket in the Force.

Ahsoka shook her head, a mirthless smile on her lips, a quick shrug, and she continued, “you know what they do to people they think may be important to me. And this was just on guessing, they did what they did to you because they thought you were important to me,” and she gestured to Kaeden’s shoulder. 

Kaeden looked away, head down, no doubt not forgotten what had happened only weeks before. She knew nobody forgot such a thing that fast, she had seen it first hand before, the effects of torture on people. Even if it had been during the war she doubted that the effects were much different outside of war, and the dark rings under Kaeden’s eyes recounted the truth of those effects for themselves.

“Imagine what happens if they know I care about somebody, instead of thinking I care for somebody.”

She left it at that, and judging by Kaeden’s face she had absolutely caught on to what she had meant. People did not lightly forget their torture, and she could see it in her eyes, in the way she shrugged the shoulder of her right arm, rolling it as if remembering the way it had been when Ahsoka had found her.

There was only silence between the two of them for a long minute, Kaeden’s hand still in hers, and they sat like that.

Finally Ahsoka was the one to break the silence, as she looked up again into Kaeden’s eyes, where she could see the after effects of the torture she had endured at the hands of the Empire, at the hands of the thing in the employ of the Sith. 

“That’s what they do without certainty. I don’t want to be responsible for anyone going through that. I didn’t want to be responsible for you going through what you went through.” 

She spoke softly, regret in her voice, and Kaeden nodded briefly, her hand warm and comforting, though she imagined that she must feel the same, either of them holding the other’s hand for a sense of security, safety, that was lacking a lot of the time these days.

“I don’t want to give the Empire anyone they can torture. I don’t want to give them— Well. You know what I mean.”

Suddenly she felt embarrassed looking away, orange skin turning a darker shade, richer in colour, and she could feel heat spread through her lekku, moving them agitatedly.

“I know.”

Kaeden’s voice came after a moment of silence, a croak to it, and still looking the other way Ahsoka could feel Kaeden’s free arm wrapping around her shoulders, pulling her upper body forward towards Kaeden, and she relaxed for a moment into her grip, putting her own free arm around the other woman in return.

They sat like this, breathing quietly, both of them undoubtedly caught up in their own thoughts, and she could feel Kaeden’s breathing slowly return to a more normal pace, had not even noticed it had been sped up, and she kicked herself mentally for not thinking. She should have known that talking about this would hurt Kaeden as much as it hurt herself, probably, without a doubt more, as she had not been the one who had been left in the hands of the Inquisitor, all too eager to torture their ward, all too eager to show the violence and viciousness of the Empire. All too eager to leave enough of a mark to leave her alive but bruised for life.

She murmured a soft _I’m sorry_ , hand rubbing soothing circles on Kaeden’s back, other hand still grasping hers, brown hand in orange.

Finally Kaeden sat up, laughing softly, shaking her head as she turned her head away, rubbing at her cheeks with one hand, the other still in Ahsoka’s.

“You didn’t know. I don’t blame you.”

As Ahsoka started to complain, explain that she had known what the possibilities had been when she had left, run, fled from Raada, Kaeden held up a hand, her time to shush Ahsoka, and Ahsoka closed her mouth, nodding, letting Kaeden speak.

“I could have hidden things. It’s— well, it’s no fun, it hurts to have to do so, but it won’t kill me. Wouldn’t be the first time I had an unrequited crush I kept to myself.” She laughed at that, at Ahsoka’s eyes growing larger, and even though Ahsoka had known, hearing it was something else.

“It’s fine. I don’t blame you. I just wish you had come here earlier.” She looked away, fell silent for a moment, biting her lower lip, Ahsoka’s eyes drawn to the movement, to the way her chin dipped down. “That’s all.” She smiled then, genuinely, warmth behind it the way there had been the first day she had seen her, that day when Kaeden had told her that the hut she had been eyeing was empty, the day before Kaeden had sat herself down on her bed to watch her work on a broken harvester.

Ahsoka was silent, unsure what to say. Sure, she had no Jedi hang ups, but still there was a difference between no hang ups and being unused to something, and she searched for words that adequately expressed what she meant, what she felt. Instead all that came out was half stammered, and she knew she was blushing.

“I will. I mean. I’m here now?”

She rubbed her face with her free hand, before looking at Kaeden, a quick glance, not entirely sure how these situations went, only from holo dramas which were in all honesty nowhere near reality, if you asked her. As Kaeden caught her eyes she smiled, and Ahsoka looked back, smiled back, squeezing Kaeden’s hand.

“I’m still sorry.”

She shrugged a little half heartedly, rubbing the back of her head.

“If you still want that kiss, I can—“

She didn’t get much further than this, the warmth of Kaeden’s lips on hers silencing her, and she smiled against those lips, putting her free hand in Kaeden’s neck, pulling her closer.

When they broke away it was only marginally, and Ahsoka rested her forehead against Kaeden’s, eyes still closed, and she could feel the flush in her cheeks, not caring for it, a smile on her lips.

“That. Yeah.”

Kaeden spoke, voice hushed, husky, pushing slightly against Ahsoka’s forehead with her own.

“Guess I was wrong about your hang ups.”


End file.
